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My Emotional Scars Make Me Smile
I wanted to share some information with you that you probably don’t know about me unless your an extremely close friend to me, and even those close friends don’t know what’s truly going on in my head because I typically don’t burden others with any of my trivial problems.
I wanted to share why My Emotional Scars Make Me Smile
I hope that my story that I am sharing with you will help change the way you think about how you view your life, and help give you a better way of looking at things.
My Emotional Scars Make Me Smile … Let’s Begin
I have always considered myself an all American kind of guy because of starting a paper route at a young age, and working at McDonald’s as well as working my way up into different management jobs very quickly.
I was very much in love at that time, and the emotional scar I endured having to let her go was something that I didn’t realize would have such a huge impact on my life in the future. My mother had brought me up with the old saying that If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were. “Richard Bach” So I let her go for her own personal safety. I still feel the emotional scar to this day.
When my first child was born I was only 18 years of age. I had no real certainty of my future. No real direction. My Sons mother and I could not get along at all. Talk about an emotional scar that will never heal.
In December of 1990, with some persuasion from my father, I made a choice to join the United States Army.
I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life and going into the military at that time was really the only option I had after getting out of high school and seemingly not reaching what my parents thought was my “Full Potential“.
I will never forget the “Culture Shock” we received at the processing center when I arrived. I was now in a completely different world. No Family. No friends.
The only thing around me was sharply dressed, loud voiced, trained combat fighters called “Drill Sergeants“.
After we received our basic necessities of clothing and other gear we were quickly escorted onto what was deemed as a “Cattle Car“. The atmosphere was very somber and no one really spoke a word.
They’re was one Drill Sergeant that stood in front of the only exit and whistled the entire time without a word. That whistle still resonates in my brain to this day. Another emotional scar to add to the list.
When we stopped the vehicle The Ominous Drill Sergeant spoke very few words. In fact his exact words were … I only have one thing to say to all of you recruits …
“Get the F@#$ off of my truck NOW!” GO! GO! GO!
As the bodies of new recruits stumbled over each other, and all of the gear and suitcases we had brought, I could only follow suit and hurdle over the slower people that were not paying attention.
I managed to get into formation with all of my gear as they told us to not let our bags touch the ground or we would get “Smoked” AKA Push-Ups. I held my bags 6 inches above the ground arms shaking from the weight fearing the confrontation of multiple Drill Sergeants screaming and kicking bags around the quad.
Thank God, I had the intestinal fortitude to not let my bags touch the ground and get smoked by any of the salivating Drill Sergeants.
It was that moment that I understood my life would never be the same again! My thinking and ideology would all change. It started with a quote from one of my Drill Sergeants known as Drill Sergeant Womble. He would always say this.
Good Better Best Never Let It Rest Until Your Good Is Better and Your Better Is Best.
Leaving my home and friends was a very emotional scar, and very trying for a young man trying to find his way in life. It was like I was on a journey all by myself, and I didn’t know what the outcome would be. Truthfully it was a bit scary. Different city, different state. I was completely out of my element.
My Emotional Scars Make Me Smile
After going through my initial basic training I was sent back home for my advanced individual training were I reconnected with an ex of mine. I was obviously thinking with the wrong “head”.
There was a constant badgering about how great it would be to get married, and how great life would be. After numerous occasions, I finally gave in and said, “Fine, you make all the arrangements”! Ill be damned, but she did exactly that! All I had to do was show up to the church on time. I knew I wasn’t ready for marriage. Heck, I didn’t feel the love for this girl like I had with my true love. I took the leap of faith and we were married and transferred off to my permanent duty station in Germany.
After my second son was born and 6 years of a relationship my wife cheated on me. I was emotionally scared when I found out what was going on and caught her at his house. Needless to say that was the end of that relationship.
That emotional scar led me to always say, I will never get married again until I find the right woman to be with.
I went through a lot of other relationships, never really finding that feeling that I had of love with my first love. After getting out of the military in 1995 I went back to my fathers house in Corpus Christi, Tx where I met a beautiful woman that truly had a heart of gold.
The relationship started off simple enough. We met at work and started conversing, and one thing led to another. I was her boss so we had to be careful about who saw us around town. This woman did everything to show me her love. I unfortunately I had emotional scars that didn’t allow my heart to be open.
My Emotional Scars Make Me Smile
On January 1, 2001 I lost her, and her 2 beautiful daughters to a horrible trailer fire, We still suspect it was murder by her Ex however there was not enough evidence to prove it had happened as a murder.
It wasn’t until after she died in that horrible trailer fire that I realized that I truly loved her but didn’t take the time to show her like she showed me. Needless to say I feel into a horrible depression and thought I was destined to be alone for the rest of my life. The emotional scar from that event still lives with me to this day as well. They say it gets better with time, and I tend to believe that, but it never goes away that’s for sure. I was supposed to be with her that night!
You go through blaming yourself for years! What if I had been there? Could I have saved them? Would I be around to talk about it today? They were very tough questions that lingered for many years leaving me with more emotional scars.
After about a year and a half or so of depression, and no way of dealing with it other than understanding that there was a greater picture. I ran into another woman that I really enjoyed being with. The short story is we worked together and she needed a place to live, so I had her move in and it wasn’t long before we were sharing the same bedroom and bed. 😉 We had great times, and truthfully I’m not exactly sure were it went wrong because she ended up being the mother of my third child and first baby girl born into my life.
I had her name picked out for 10 years before she came around. I cant explain how I knew that I would have a baby girl. I just knew it. My mind thought, hey Robert here is your 3rd chance to get it right, because previously I failed as a father with my first 2 sons, however when I look back I don’t see me as being a failure as much as I just wasn’t in their life as much as I should have been or could have been.
I’m super proud of my first son, my second is gay and doesn’t want anything to do with me, and here was my last chance to get it right with my baby girl.
As with all relationships we had our ups and downs, but I mostly remember good times. All up until that moment she uttered the famous line, “I Love you but I am not in Love with you.”. #My Emotional Scars Make Me Smile
As I moved through the next few years I developed a love for the internet, and I had my mind set that I was going to be an internet marketer. I was going to work from home online like I had heard so many people where starting to do whether it was a passing wave or not.
Guess what? No one was behind my decision! Not my mother, not my father. It was almost like I was in “Basic Training” again. A strange new place. No family, no friends that supported my decision. Talk about an emotional scar.
My Emotional Scars Make Me Smile
As I learned more and more about what was necessary to be successful in internet marketing I ran into another woman online in the health company I had joined many years ago and really became fond of the fact that she had the same passion and desire that I did when it came to helping others online and working from home. I recall meeting her at an event and we just continually talked and got to know each other so well that we decided to give “us ” a shot.
With every relationship we tend to put on a facade to get the other to like all of our great qualities we see, however be warned, people are not always as they seem when you first meet them. I mean it started off well enough and they’re were no arguments to speak of. We ended up getting married because I thought I loved her and well, lets face it I wasn’t getting any younger and couldn’t bear the thought of living life alone.
The biggest emotional scar from that relationship came when my then wife conspired with my daughters mother to have her come pick her up for what I was told the “Spring Break Vacation” which was only a week. I found out that within hours she left the state with my daughter. I couldn’t claim kidnapping because they’re were no court orders for custody arranged. There was literally nothing I could do. I was without my daughter in my life.
Soon after that incident something happened I knew would happen, I just didn’t know when.
I got a notification from my first love on Facebook! My high school sweetheart. There was a message asking if I was who I was, and all of the old feelings came rushing back to me. I mean I was married but here was the love of my life that I set free 27 years ago reaching out to me. The kid in me and all of the beautiful memories came rushing back. That’s what love is? I thought I never felt this way with any of my relationships through my life. I came to the realization that that’s the love I wanted back! The love when you can just stare at a woman and be entranced by her beauty. Gazing into her eyes and smiling with the feeling of being the luckiest person on the planet. Just to be in each others presence was the most amazing thing I had experienced.
We were both told growing up that it was just puppy love. How could two kids know what love was? Well I did anyway. I know what love is from all of the emotional scars I had endured through my life. I had been with plenty of women to know what I wanted. After connecting and making a decision to meet in person and having the most magical night in 27 years I was certain we had to be together again and this was the woman I would live out the rest of my days with just as we had talked about and planned so many years ago.
She had made arrangements to come stay with me off and on in California but life at the time was tough. I was living in a motel after leaving everything I had with my wife. I left with just my suitcase, and left everything behind for the pursuit of love and happiness.
My Emotional Scars Make Me Smile
Things went great for a long time until she started getting friendly with someone on a game we both played. Late night texts were happening. Conversations on the phones started. All the while I didn’t think the love of my life, my childhood sweetheart, the woman that professed to love me all of her life would betray me in any shape form or fashion.
What an idiot I was! Sometimes Love isn’t enough she said. How could love not be enough unless you just don’t really know what love is? My heart sank! She said she needed to “Find Herself” and ended the relationship after 2 years of being back together. I allowed her to really put me in a dark place. I did things I hadn’t done in many years. Screaming at the top of my lungs from the hurt. Punching walls and a company vehicle which only hurt myself even more. What a psycho I had become.
My emotional scars had turned to physical scars!
Back down the spiraling depression hole I went! How could this happen? What did I do wrong? Why me Lord? I couldn’t think, I couldn’t sleep well, I didn’t want to eat. Truthfully, I just wanted to die! I didn’t think I could bear any more emotional scars in my life.
This was the lowest I had felt next to loosing my sweetheart in the trailer fire that I had been in my life! Pretty crazy when you think about the comparison I think. Not even my fathers death effected me like these two monumental instances in my life. Truthfully, I am not sure what pulled me out of the funk I was in. It took me some time but perhaps it was the fact that I had been living with depression most of my life, and found that I had a quicker recovery time the more I had been emotionally scarred.
One thing I have learned in my life is that the more you experience in life the more you can handle. I just couldn’t believe that I was given this twist in life after everything else I had experienced.
I’m thankful now that my emotional scars and my life experiences in marketing took me out of California and into Las Vegas where I have recently met a new woman that is really great! She does everything she can to make me happy and show me love that she never had from another person. The thing I love most about her is that she is an adult. Granted we can all act like children. I know I don’t want to grow up.
I am now back in California and I am ready to help others through the emotional scars in their personal and business life. You see being in the network marketing business is much like life. You will run into several businesses that you will fall in love with and many of them will hurt you. You will try to replace them with another and you will go through your trials and tribulations as well as your ups and downs. However just as we do in life, we must do in business, and that is to NEVER GIVE UP!
My Emotional Scars Make Me Smile
My Emotional Scars Make Me Smile because they have taught me how to treat a person the way they should be treated. I learned to love a person the way they would like to be loved. I have learned to care about people the way they want to be cared about. Most of all, My Emotional Scars Make Me Smile because it is My Story and if I can touch one life and help someone achieve their dreams by changing the way they look at life would mean that I had done something promising on this planet while I was here. Leaving my legacy so to speak. That makes me smile!
I hope this story made you smile as well. Remember that the emotional scars that you have are part of your story, its what makes you who you are. Don’t be afraid to share it with the world. You are special! You are deserving! You just have to believe in your self and your dreams and take your emotional scars and smile.
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